Star Witness

Occasionally,  when I'm out in a public place, I get this feeling I should start taking extra notes as to my surroundings in case something suddenly "goes down" and I am needed to testify in a court case later.   I start making mental notes of makes and models of the cars in the area.  Perhaps I even try to memorize at least one license plate or a "partial plate," as I've heard it referenced on cop shows.  I size up passersby according to height, weight, and other distinguishing features.  I also take note of the time of day (as to-the-minute as possible).

I then picture myself on the witness stand several months down the line testifying in great detail of the things I saw at that moment of [insert heinous crime here].  "Yes, and in the northwest parking lot of the Littleton Target, there was a pearl toned Suzuki XL7.  It was all alone except for the 5'10" man walking toward it with ash blond hair and a slight limp.  It was approximately 2:57pm on Thursday, August 26th 2010."

My amazing attention to detail, of course, places the accused at the scene of the crime at the exact moment he needed to be placed there in order to secure a conviction (Prosecutor: Do you know who it was you saw in that parking lot that day?  Me: Yes....yes, I do.  It was him ::pointing at ash blond man in defendant's chair::).  As a matter of fact, without me, he would have walked out of that courtroom a free man.   [applause]

I wish I were kidding about all of this, but, sadly, I am not.