Sunday, September 5, 2010

Star Witness

Occasionally,  when I'm out in a public place, I get this feeling I should start taking extra notes as to my surroundings in case something suddenly "goes down" and I am needed to testify in a court case later.   I start making mental notes of makes and models of the cars in the area.  Perhaps I even try to memorize at least one license plate or a "partial plate," as I've heard it referenced on cop shows.  I size up passersby according to height, weight, and other distinguishing features.  I also take note of the time of day (as to-the-minute as possible).

I then picture myself on the witness stand several months down the line testifying in great detail of the things I saw at that moment of [insert heinous crime here].  "Yes, and in the northwest parking lot of the Littleton Target, there was a pearl toned Suzuki XL7.  It was all alone except for the 5'10" man walking toward it with ash blond hair and a slight limp.  It was approximately 2:57pm on Thursday, August 26th 2010."

My amazing attention to detail, of course, places the accused at the scene of the crime at the exact moment he needed to be placed there in order to secure a conviction (Prosecutor: Do you know who it was you saw in that parking lot that day?  Me: Yes....yes, I do.  It was him ::pointing at ash blond man in defendant's chair::).  As a matter of fact, without me, he would have walked out of that courtroom a free man.   [applause]

I wish I were kidding about all of this, but, sadly, I am not.

12 comments:

Jenny ESP said...

Are you trying to get me to blurt out my license plate number. Cuz I'm not that dumb.

I day dream about wrestling a gun away from a would-be robber. I go on to humbly accept many awards and accolades.

Jenny ESP said...

Also, in real life, Tony has received three subpoenas to identify and testify against various drug dealers. Coincidentally, he also drives a pearl toned Suzki XL7, is 5'10", and ash blonde. -ish

Flem said...

Wait are we supposed to be listing out the imaginary games we play?

Because I never think about testifying but making public comments in outrage of something or other.

We live different fantasies you and I. But I am glad there are people like you that can be reliable witnesses to heinous crimes.

Jenny said...

I do that too. Especially when people are acting suspiciously.

eekareek said...

I like to try and find faces in the texture in my walls and ceiling.

eekareek said...

...Just in case...

Landee said...

Jespy, names & places have been changed to protect the innocent. But, just so you know, I'd testify against Tony if he had [insert heinous crime here].

Flem, we aren't so different, you know. We both want justice.

Jenny, you do??? Good to know. Now I don't feel AS weird doing it.

Eeka, just in case....what?

Markie23 said...

...while I painstakingly avoid jury duty at any cost. I'm almost 50 and happy to say I have never sat on a jury. Probably a good thing as I am generally clueless as to my surroundings.
Likely Scenario:
Prosecutor: "Now Mr. Bailey, do you recognize that person sitting over there?"
Me: "No"
Prosector: "Really? Because... that's your wife."
Me: "Oh, right".

solidgold (a.k.a. our family) said...

That's serious talent Tiff!
I always look for escape routes anywhere I go. Just in case. So if we're out one night and a serious crime goes down, I'll get us out of there lickety-split and you'll have all the details.
I also can testify that you seriously do memorize license plate numbers as you have read off mine to me while we were no where by my van. You're impressive.
Plus I love the blog's updated look.

Memzy said...

I have dreams of punching someone in the face. Srsly. I wish there were an appropriate time to do that and it'd be justified. But right before I punched I'd say something totally witty and smart-a$$.

Landee said...

SG, if I were you I'd have felt violated if someone told me my license plate number outta no where. But srsly, how else am I gonna decipher your gold mini-van from the rest of them tooling around here? It had to be done. You don't even have any distinguishing stickers on the back.

Memz, like a Die Hard scene. I get it.

Landee said...

Oh and Markie.....claaaaasic guy.