Second things second, JLo's hair is scaring me. A small woodland animal could be living in there and we would never know. Plus I guarantee she loved Pia's jumpsuit. She may have even designed it.
Ah, the week where they sing a song from their birth year... this is also known as "Make Landee Feel Super Old" week. Geez. Thia was born in the mid-90s??? Wha?? Just shoot me.
Song: What's Love Got to Do With It? by Tina Turner
Ok, so she's not exactly a spring chicken. ::feeling a little better about myself:: Is she married? I may have missed that bit of information as I was too distracted trying to memorize that lullaby she sings to her daughters. I've also just had the realization that she is Bizarro Katherine McPhee. Her mother was a singer too. Her mother is living vicariously through her daughter too. Bizarro parts are, obviously racial. But also, Katherine had talent. I ain't gonna lie... this was no good. They were being nice by simply calling it "pitchy." Even with all her edgy clothes, interesting look & supposed personality, she lacks something up there when she's performing. She doesn't even leave me wanting... it's just like eh. But apparently "she gon bring it. Das all she can do. Bring it." I'm guessing she won't though.
Song: I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues by Elton John
Oh, fhs. Get this boy a chair and glue it to him so I can concentrate on his singing. The cameramen must dread it when it's his turn. Especially the close-up camera guy. Geez. That aside, he is decent. He's like if James Blunt were to have started out on AI. There is something cool about a distinctive voice and he's happy & nice. I don't want him or his bollo tie to leave just yet.
Song: Colors of the Wind by Vanessa Williams/Pocahontas
(This is the part where I go and check my crowsfeet and convince myself that I would never want to be 15 again and have to relive all this glorious life over again. Probably). Ok, so yes, it was safe. Yes, she sang another ballad. But, honestly, I thought it was pretty good. At first I was annoyed with all her smiling (I know Pocahontas didn't smile that much singing it). But then when the violins swelled up there I was happy for her. Like, I may have even done the Mom Proud Face. I'm convinced Randy is dead inside and set the tone for the judges. I don't think it was as bad as they claim.
Song: I'll Be There For You by Bon Jovi
::singing tauntingly:: "Jimmy has a dolly, Jimmy has a dolly..." What a girl!! Just kidding. TBone had a Spiderman baby he used to put diapers on...and he asked for a stroller when he was three... oh, and a Dora house.... ok... let's move on. I liked this. It's not my favorite Bon Jovi song but I looked up that album and yeah, that was the best of the bunch from that year. Had he gone the Aerosmith route as Mr. Tyler was bemoaning, he could have done either "Janie's Got A Gun" or "Love in an Elevator." Both superior to "I'll Be There For You" but Mr.-Too-Big-For-His-Britches seems to think he's making it to the finale to sing an Aerosmith song so whatevs. I hope that works out for him. I think. The reality is I'm still on the fence with this guy. I definitely don't hate him but love? Too soon to commit to anything. I'm still shopping around.
Song: I'll Be Your Baby Tonight by Whitney Houston
Ryan ruined my lipstick on the chin bit. Jerk. Anyway, so yeah, considering the cardinal sin on AI is to sing a Whitney song, I think she did pretty good with it. She made it a little interesting here and there. She um.... well, she also.... I, uh, think she was wearing black pants? Seriously, I got nothing else on her. ::cursing Ryan for messing up my bit again::
Song: If You Don't Know Me By Now by Simply Red
I take by my statement on his father...it's not Tony Danza... it's Howie Mandel!! Exciting! Ok, ok, ok, he grew on me with this performance. He kinda Bruno Mars-ed it, if you know what I mean. At first I was like "Really? THIS song? I'd rather you sing Hangin' Tough!" But then I saw the error of my ways and jumped on the Stefano train. I don't now if I'm a permanent passenger. I may get off at the next stop but the ride was very agreeable tonight.
Pia Diarrhea and her Jumpsuit
Song: Where Do Broken Hearts Go by Whitney Houston
I canNOT WAIT until she is on Real Housewives of Queens. That is gonna be awesome. In the mean time we will be subjected to her poor fashion choices and horrendous accent here on Fox. But fine, she can sing. I wish she sucked. But she doesn't. The older voters love divas too so she is not going anywhere just yet. But really, think for one second about what kind of album she would put out. Right? Pure crap. But no one ever thinks that way at this point in the game. I'm very "big picture" obvs.
Song: Can I Trust You With My Heart by Travis Tritt
Naked fat baby alert!!! Dang he was cute. As his mother, the Elvis thing might have weirded me out a little but, you know, it all turned out ok. He did a great job tonight....if you're into this kind of thing. I guarantee he'll go on and do very well in Nashville. He'll probably win some CMAs, become the spokesperson for NASCAR, throw out some opening pitches at Braves games.... and I will have never heard of him again after the AI Finale. He'll only be known to me as "you know, that deep voiced kid on AI... Jenny called him Babylockthemdoors....remember?" But I wish him well in all his endeavors.
Song: Love Will Lead You Back by Taylor Dayne
"Don't like another prize only my Karen." Oh my gosh. I think I'm gonna cry. Could her mom be any cuter?? She doesn't even want an Oscar! Just her Karen. Adorable. As for Karen's performance... it was aaaaaight. I mean, I think she's good but again, she doesn't play into my interests. She won't be some Karen from the Block. She'll end up being some female version of Julio Iglesias with a tenth of the popularity and no hawt son. Do you see what I'm saying here? Where does she go in her career? Truly, I want to know.
Song: Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana
I can honestly say that this is the first time I've ever known what the lyrics to this song are. Load up on guns... that's really the first line? And there's a mention of a mulatto? Interesting stuff there, I'm sure. I'd look it up but I'm too lazy and plus I need to finish this up. Bottom line: Love Casey still. Love his parents. Love that he keeps trying new things and keeping it funky fresh. Compare this to Thia's Pocahontas song, for example. Can you even compare? No.
Song: I'm The Only One by Melissa Etheridge
Lauren's parents are the opposite of Casey's parents in that I'm fairly certain they must have had her when they were 12. How young does her dad look? 30 tops? Weird. She & her flu did a fantastic job tonight. She sang well. She seemed comfortable enough. She twanged it up without going all Scotty Tritt on us. I liked it. Sadly, I must conclude she is dumb as a rock though. I refuse to allow this to be a factor in my opinion of her. Let's just acknowledge it and move on. ::nodding at you curtly and walking over to the next contestant::
Song: Alone by Heart
Lusk-y Stank. He said it, not me. Leave it to Jacob to make me hate one of my favorite songs of all time. He, once again, took me on that ride which I did NOT want to go on. Hated it. Hated pretty much every second of that, really. Randy, he caressed nothing...he took that song and brutally murdered every note. Blaaaaaaaah. I don't know if I can take another week of that. If next week all you see is "Jacob ::ffwd::" then you'll know I reached my breaking point.
Plzthanks chime in. I hate sitting here talking to myself.