Thursday, September 25, 2008

Installment #4: Floors

I have saved my last bit of wisdom in the Art of Cutting Corners for last.

This is what you need:

<span class=Photobucket" border="0">

What is this cray-zee advice? A dog? But dogs are just like another mouth to feed! Their breath stinks! And their farts are worse!

Ah yes... but lookee at what they do!

<span class=Photobucket" border="0">

I had no problem taking a fist full of Cheerios and throwing them all over the floor to take this picture because I KNEW Miss Maggie would do a thorough job of cleaning them all up. You see, that is what she does. This is the beauty of dog. This is why you need one. I can't remember the last time I picked up/swept up/wiped up any kind of food off my floor. As a matter of fact, I've been so spoiled for the last 9 years of Maggie-ownership that when I go to other people's houses who don't have a dog & I drop something on the floor I'm like, "Srsly? I srsly have to bend down and pick that up? Are you kidding me?" It's annoying. I'm used to having this little furry maid around at all times, eating all things, and in all places.

Plus your kids will love you for it. You don't have to tell them the real reason you got one.

(Not for the faint of heart: Once Maggie even licked up some of JBird's diarrhea off the bathroom floor before I could get to it. I took the rubber gloves off & gave her a doggie bone. We had to make a rule that no one could get kisses from her for a year. It was awesome.)

Bonus Tip!

Obviously there will be times when you need to actually wash the floor. This is what you do. First, throw away your mop, Swiffer, w/e you use to clean your hard floors. These are nothing but back-breakers & money wasters. All you need is an old towel & your bare feet. Wet the towel, wring out the excess, plop the towel on the floor & then walk around (plzthanks ignore the wrinkly workout pants and chipped toenail polish, tyvm).

Photobucket

No need for costly refills & getting all sweaty while cleaning. You simply walk around. You can even talk on the phone because your hands are free. You can even (gasp!) make your kids do it. About halfway through you just flip the towel over & continue. Then throw the towel in the washer & voila. Yer done-zo. It takes 1/2 the time as regular mopping (I've totally timed it).

This wraps up Domesticity for Dummies. If I think of/make up any more I'll be sure to post. All of these techniques are like any recipe ever submitted to a ward cookbook. Totally tried & true.

Flank me later.


25 comments:

Keeping Up with the Joneses said...

Okay - so I have two of those little furry maids - and I agree - they are the best little maids ever ! (and I do daycare so I really appreciate them after lunchtime - especially on macky-cheese day) but they won't touch broccoli (I have to bend over- ouch!) and they are very negligent of the dust bunnies that congregate under the piano ! I have had a few training sessions with them but they continue to igore these duties ! Any ideas ?

Keeping Up with the Joneses said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cristin said...

GREAT ideas!!! BUT you should remind your readers that you need real dogs unlike chihuahuas (I made that mistake) that won't clean up after you...I have to use my neighbors dogs. BUT it works, especially mac and cheese on my dining room carpet...

Keeping Up with the Joneses said...

Cristin - you must have had a defective chihuahua - because my rotund little taco dog is quite effective (except of course for the afore mentioned deficiencies) and has been described by various neighborhood children as having "a tiny little head and a HUUUUGE body"!

sarastrasser said...

I wouldn't even dream of making ramen noodles without my Duke there to clean it up. You can't sweep wet noodles. Dogs are the greatest. In fact I have even bought dog food in over two years! He get his nuritment solely from the floor and people are always telling how healthy my dog is.

sarastrasser said...

I meant to say I have NOT bought dog food in over two years.

Landee said...

For those pesky dust bunnies under the piano you simply need to throw some kind of peanut butter covered treat under there. Your dog will worm & squirm its way under there and subsequently clean out all the dust bunnies. You then promptly put it out in the backyard for some shake off.

I can't help you on the broccoli. Other than, don't fix broccoli anymore. It's not worth the clean up.

Neighbor dogs are an OK substitution, but what about late night popcorn pick up duty?

Sara, wet clean up is def the best part of a dog mop.

Markie23 said...

I'm no domestic goddess, but I think I have an improvement on the towel walking idea. Sit a kid down on the towel, and have another kid pull them around on it. They can take turns so each one gets a ride.

Br Boys said...

Hey I already have one of these dogs. I agree with never having to bend over and pick things up. (I am @ 12 years now) But there are always exceptions...like he won't eat bananas, chips and grapes. So for these thing I have the shark cordless sweeper. It is wonderful. If you have this same prob the sweeper will become like another child, priceless.

Memzy said...

Landee and I share the towel clean up love affair. We had a discush about it recently and were both like "right? I KNOW!"

And my sweet Landee bough be a mechanical "dog" to sweep my floors for my birthday. I heart, heart, heart it. Couldn't live without it. Maybe a post to come later about that.

Landee said...

I'm pretty sure Memzy meant "bought me" rather than "bough be." I only know this because I did, in fact, buy her a mechanical dog.

abutler said...

Is that how my floors keep getting so clean. I haven't swept in months. I just thought the "Floor Fairies" were doing it. Got to go now, need to give my doggie a treat :)

Markie23 said...

nobody eber boughed be a bechanical bog.

Memzy said...

It's funny tho because the mechanical "dog" actually looks and sounds like a tiny cordless hard floor vacuum thingy.

Weird.

Keeping Up with the Joneses said...

All readers, please visit my blog for additional uses for your furry maid. Sorry to steal readers landee but feel free to add this to your D for D listings !

Emily said...

Ok Landee--I'm making an appearance on your blog so you know that I harbor no ill feelings.
And, I "mop" my floors the exact same way...

Memzy said...

See^^ it's like a revolution. Maybe we should call an infomercial company or sumpin.

Landee said...

I dunno... do you think there are people out there who will pay $19.95 + S&H for an old towel & some water?


....I think we're gonna be brazillionaires.

Emily, thanks.

Keeping Up with the Joneses said...

actually it's not the towel - it's the technique ! make a video that comes with a free towel and now you've got a product. if people will buy a video that shows them how to step up and down on a step they'll definitely pay 19.95 for this !! it's really good stuff !

ajesplin said...

It's like a Roomba that you have to feed and nurture and pet. And just like a Roomba, you have to empty out the little waste catcher thing (aka pick up poop). I do the towel thing, but with socks. Or I just leave it.

PS yer funny.

Kylee said...

Okay, so we always knew that you were way funny, a great match for Jerry...but who knew that it went to this extent. I am so impressed with all of your great ideas. Keep Them Coming!!

Carol said...

Tiffers,
Little Miss Maggie is a treasure and well worth her weight in dog food (at least the dog food the mice left behind--I'd like an update on that situation btw). And the floor mopping is genious. Did your Dad teach you that or sumpin"? He's a whiz at cleaning and all things kitchen---and LOTS of other stuff. Again, do not mention to my other siblings that he's my favorite.

Amy Thurston said...

I am going to get a dog.......as soon as I win the lottery. But, I'm getting right on that towel.

ahab said...

My wives do the cleaning so I cannot relate to tactics. I foolishly began this comment over confident in myslef.

lovedkat said...

well as soon as i can keep a dog clean then i will def get one to keep the floor clean! that is a great idea with the towel though i think ill try that out tomarrow...thx for the flanktastic idea