Wednesday, March 24, 2010

AI: Guest Host for the Top 11!

(the following is written by my sister, Kimi.  I claim no responsibility for anything she says.  Thank you.)

First of all I don’t wanna be here MUCH more than you want me here…so get that “you’re not our favorite babysitter” look off your face right now. She “never asks me for anything” so how could I turn her down when she texted me/called me/left RodTodd a frantic message/(I’d say sent a carrier pigeon but she didn’t and lies…well..they’re wrong) asking me to step in and be her guest blogger for the week. She says she wants to pay attention to her in-laws since she will be a guest at their house. I think you and I both know she really just would like to watch AI without having to pay attention to every earring/hairdo/whether or not Andy will ever do anything remotely like Str8 Up/pitchy/not feelin it dawg thing that happens this week without having to jot down what witty spin she will put on it. She was all “just do like you do in the comments, easy peezy”.. but um.. what I do in the comments is make fun of/disagree with/purposely not talk about all the stuff she talked about in her post… so.. not as easy peezy. But whatevs. Let’s do this.
::: adjusts her chair to my liking, looks for gum in the top drawers, puts pic of her and Gty on the desk face down and sets up pic in a heart shape frame of me and RodTodd :::

--------insert pictures here of my kids doing cute stuff even tho they are 13, 16 and 22------------

I’m just gonna tell you what I wrote in my spiral notebook. Because in no fair way to me Landee didn’t ask me to do this until I was already almost done watching it. And because I get a super way needy bordering on demanding vibe from most of you peeps I didn’t want you to go cryin to her if I didn’t give you something to read about AI when you first wake up. So.. Let’s do this for realz now.

· Is Simon wearing a Shade shirt?

· I’m starting to dislike Ryan. He’s always kinda bugged but now I actively hope he gets fired and that I am using the Secret correctly by thinking “I want Ryan to be eligible for unemployment”.


Lee Dewyze aka Flem in Landeenese
“The Letter” by I dunno (again she hadn’t given me this assignment yet and I didn’t care who cuz I don’t like it because it reminds me of that Grapevine song from the raisin bran commercials)

:: making jazz hands for no reason ::
All I wrote about it is “Much better than the original” so…. Oh and “lollerz @ his Tiffany heart necklace and broach” So from that I think even if you didn’t watch the show you will know that he is safe.

Paige aka ColorBook
“Against All Odds” by Phil Collins (I didn’t look it up or anything I just knew. And I never got to see the movie because there was probably implied Mommy and Daddy time)

Here I drew pictures of her bling with the words “PRITTY” and “OUCH my EAR HOLES” and made a note to ask Monika @ group if it’s possible for black girls to have blue/gold/light colored eyes. Monika is good at knowing facts like this. And she always tells me I’m right. Especially the time when I said I was upset Landee cancelled my points. She said “let Landeelu worry about her side of the just keep your side clean”. Anyways. We all know she sucked. She whisper sung most of it and then when she got louder it was okay but she’d already upset me to where I had drawn a big thumbs down. This is why I’m sad that Landee didn’t blog because I also wrote “Landee is gonna have a hizzy fit about those bloomer shorts” (the ones she wore to sing for Miley in rehearsal or whatevs you call that with the mentor) and now I’ll never know if I was right.

Tim Urban aka Lucky Duck
“Crazy Little Thing Called Love” –Queen/Freddy Mercury……. and RodTodd was arguing with me saying that the Stray Cats did it/wrote it so I wasn’t paying attention and had to rewind the WHOLE song

I liked his acapella version mucho betterer when he sang it for Miley. He looks super cheesy/goofy/lamerz going around to the “ladies” along the stage. But um Kara…did she really bash him for acting like a star? They want them to “believe they can win this” and “believe they are stars” …. I know I should be used to her saying dum stuff by now. But it still makes me involuntarily do the Oh Snap! Face sometimes. I realize this wasn’t his best performance. Really I do. But I heart his voice and it’s one of those things where I’m all like “Are you guys not listening to the same voice I am?” things when you/you/you and /them say he sucks. ::: still voting for him hours after the show aired ::: Kinda like when no one says your kid is cute but you are pretty sure they are cute.

Oh yeah. I guess I was supposed to say Miley Cyrus was the mentor of the week. And say something about her. Preferably rood. So… Miley has clumps in her mascara. And Party in the USA is one of my secret shame songs. Right up there with some Janice Kapp Perry songs. Oh and all that money and a Superstar at the age of …?…and she couldn’t get braces? Holy thumbsuckers for realz. K that should be good enough.

Aaron Kelly – Archie 2.0 (Now that Rye called him David Archuletta is it even still funny?)
“Don’t wanna miss a thing” –Aerosmith I think. Pretty sure. They are right up there with the Rolling Stones in my book. Under “icky stuff me no likes to look at”

Super cute how he acted like he had a crush on Miley like he likes girls. He even made a cute shy/pout look thing when he said it. I couldn’t get past that he had laryngitis AND tonsillitis….turns out I am the sympathy vote target market! I think for the first time he is safely NOT in the bottom three. I really want him to bring back the bleached hair did tips from Hollywood week tho. Gave him that Rascal Flatts vibe nstuff. :::: sticks gum under desk :::: :::opens a diet Dr. P and doesn’t use a coaster ::: Have you guys seen her garage lately? It’s way easier to get to the fridge now. BINS!

Crystal Bowersox –Dreads
“Bobby Magee…McGee…Mckee?” –probably Janis Joplin

Okay how hard were you lauging when Miley signed her guitar like it was a yearbook? The best was when she ended it with “stay cute and cool and have a great summer”. But anyway, whoever did her makeover/image overhaul …. Tiger and John Mayer need to call. They are GENIUSes! I totally forgot I hated her and that she was unfortunate looking! She is all the sudden super nice and humble and pretty(ish)! Loved that version of the song. She. Was. Amazing. Put Landee down for saying Crystal is going home BTW. That’s what she texted me. Yup.

Big Mike
“When a Man Loves a Woman” –who cares

::: fake shocked face ::: OH EM GEE he sunged a song that would be construed as him being a good/doting husband! I’m so super sprized! I want him to sing something super disrespeckful to wimmin next week. Just to show me he’s not gonna pigeon hole himself to death. It’s like he’s going thru Uncle Markies mix tapes fhs. But yeah, he’s prolly safe. Oh put Landee down for him being in the bottom three btw.

Andy Garcia –Latino Gokey? I forget what she calls him but he’s going home so it doesn’t matter
“Heard it through the Grapevine” –The Raisin Bran Raisins

Was that the reverse Roger Rabbit he pulled out? Thanks for suggesting he ditch the guitar MILEY!!!!!!! I really hope he goes home. I am SO sick of hearing about Str8 UP. I couldn’t agree more with Simon… Str8 up was a fluke. Get over it. Stop voting for him fhs!!!!! It’s like an abusive relationship at this point. We can’t just keep him because he did one good thing a long time ago. Let’s start the healing.

Katie Stevens – Alzies
“Big Girls Don’t Cry” –Fergie

I can’t believe she mentioned my emails and my message board posts to MILEY! And to call it “negative”? That’s a little harsh. I prefer “being helpy”. By her song choice she’s obviously dwelling. But yeah..welcome to the 2000’s Alzies. Srsly I bet she picked that song by accident thinking it was the old version by the Shirelles or the Donnas or the whatevs cutesy 50’s girl band even tho it was actually boys. Sorry but Alzies just reminds me of the naïve girl you have to explain everything to and it sucks the fun out of it because nothing sounds as fun/funny/awesome if you have to explain it. She didn’t blow it or fall down so I’m guessing she’s safe because lots of others were ungood. She was just her boring ole self.

Casey James - ?
“Power of Love” –Huey Lewis & the News

Great. Now he’s gonna make eye contact like a deranged poodle. Just like he won’t stop smiling now because they said he lacked charisma. He even moved away from the mic at the end there to really “use the stage”. He takes advice very seriously. ::: writing on his message board that he needs to use the clothes less ::: He reminds me of Val Kilmer. He sounded nice too. But srsly..who cares?

Didi Benami – Double D
“You’re no Good” –no care

Okay so none of the judges liked it. I did but she’s like Tim to me. Unless she really does something drastic I will always heart her. I think I have imprinted on her or something. I’m not even sure what that means. I haven’t read my decoration books yet. She’s hecka pretty and her voice sounds so perfect to me it’s like she’s lip syncing. Like her face is making all these trying real hard looks but her voice sounds like butter. She’s just so darn likable. P.s. Randy said it was pitchy and I only wrote it down to remind me I think Randy is pitchy-deaf in case I forgot

Siobhan –SheBangs-?

Oh my freak what was she wearing to the rehearsal thingy with Miley???? Acid washed jeans with zippers AND pleats????? And the new blonde and pink highlights are…. …since she wore the vest during the performance… I’m so confused. Is she edgy and creative or just str8 up squirrel bag crazy? :::: watching them pan to her friends:::: Uh boy. The girl can sing tho. I like the lil corker.

So my predictions in case you can’t understand perfectly good writing words are that Andy, Paige and Tim are in the bottom three with Andy being the one to go bye bye. I am mad too cuz that means Alzies will get to go on tour.

Do your normal stuff now and tell her your completely unfounded with non-facts and lacking logic type picks. She wants you to pick the bottom three and who goes home out of those I guess. Unless she has changed the roolz AGAIN.

Imma go eat all her snacks and call my boyfriend.

>--------insert more pics of my kids being super cute ------------<


michelangelo said...

okay, when i saw the title of the post, i got my hopes up that it meant ryan wasn't hosting the show last night. what a let down.

didn't see the show. am at work and on the east coast so there's no time to watchy the show before the deadline. besides, we don't dvr it at my house because i'm on the road every tuesday and my husband doesn't care about ai until closer to the end. he really liked the original archy, though. we went to his concert for the hub's birthday, and his little sister and her friends ran out back and invited lil davey to church the next day and told him to go to byu, which is where they were heading the next fall. frosh.

here are my shot in the dark picks for the bottom 3, except that i am copying our guest host for the most part.
paige, alzy, and andy
andy is going home

Flem said...

And wow, it is almost like we watched a different show.

I love Kim.

So Paige is gonzo if there is any justice in this world. Also going home, Katie because, as much as I tell my kids Fergie is inappropriate, she is a stellar singer and it is like trying to sing Mariah. You don't get to be on Kids Incorporated for nothing.

I am torn on the third pick so I am going to just go with Tim because who can resist a "Miley I love you" comment like that (Tim's main demographic competitor).

Andy is safe because people like me are so freaking tired of the judges that they voted for him anyway. Also, it looked like a dead horse was going to end up on your pillow if you voted against him with his threatening gaze at the judges. And the way he waived his dictator arm in the air. Suddenly "I Heard it Through the Grapevine" translated into "You Are a Snitch and I am Going to Pop You."

Great guest blogging, you should feel honored she risked her rep on you.

Markie23 said...

I LOVE this tag team blogging duo! You are like the color commentator that moved up to the play-by-play man, er... woman. Nice. And I can't wait to see Landee's role reversal as the "make fun of/disagree with/purposely not talk about all the stuff she talked about in her post" person.

Ok, so my three picks are:
Crystal Bowersox, Big Mike, and Casey James.
OH, wait... you want the bottom three right? Who cares. No one comes close to those three, and we all know those are the top three, so why can't we just skip all the mock drama and get rid of everyone else tonight. Oh right, then Landee would be back to having nothing to blog about. Nevermind.

So, the bottom three...
Paige, Tim Urban, Andy Garcia.
Paige is going home - how can you not know that?

P.S. My mix tapes rawk!

Memzy said...

Best. Surprise. Ever!!!

She could not have picked a better guest poster. Did you poo in her toilet and then leave floaters tho? She loves that. It's her signature move.

K, my pics are, bottom three:


With Paige going home.

Memzy said...

And Simon wasn't wearing a Shade shirt.

It was DownEast Outfitters.

Kimi Positive said...

Awww thx you gize! Cept for you alyceanglo. fer ROOD. I cannot ever bring myself to copy her signature move Memzers. So she's donation floater free. I was super saddy that she refused to give me her password and made me just email it to her. That banner would have horns and mustaches all over it. and talkie balloons. And arrows pointing to "the situation room" aka her butt. Markie your mix tapes inspire me to be a better spouse. It's the little hearts you draw on the masking tape labels that really make me believe you are sincere. I think Mike is a poser.

Kimi Positive said...

::: googling downeast outfitters::: OH btw. go to I will never doubt the power of prayer again. YW.

Kimi Positive said...

::: puts Flem down for the shocking twist of both Katie AND Paige going home with Andy not even being in the bottom three ::: I think it's safe to say rules don't apply to this rebel. Who I love.

cog said...

I think Tim is in the bottom three, even tho I like his voice and he's really cute, especially his teeth ::stuffs bagel slathered in cream cheese down her gullet:: Bottom three are: Paige, Tim, and Andy, with Paige outtie (duh!). And yes, DoubleD was a little pitchy but fhs I like that song, not as much as raisin bran, tho, and not as pitchy as SheBangs, spsly at the end - dm grl!

michelangelo said...

what was the theme this week?

sorry, kimi. not that i expect you to forgive me but still.

Anna B said...

I really enjoyed the guest blogger/sista/crazy pants this week. Made me laugh...out loud.

Man I'm bummed that everybody sucked. It makes it harder to pick a bottom 3. Why can't somebody just "Wow" me.

Bottom 3
Paige, Tim & Andy

Paige is totally gone! If not...please shoot me.

Carol said...

Kimmerz!!!!!!!!!!!!! So fun to have you as guest host. You have skills girl. Are you actually AT Landee's house? How fun. My bottom three picks are: Paige, Tim and Andy. They all must go--as soon as possible. Again, this is not the best season--not much talent. Having said that, I kinda like Crystal and Mike. Kinda

Jenny ESP said...

You're funny. Sometimes I have a delayed laugh because I have to unravel your hard-to-read sentences first. (BTW, I copy/pasted your post into the Flesh-Kincaid readability test calculator, cuz I was sure this has to be college-level reading, but alas, it's at a fourth grade reading level. But I think if you hadn't omitted all those commas it woulda scored college level.)

Fave parts:
That you love Timmy as much as I do, so I don't have to get my panties in a bunch when Landee gives a fair and balanced review of him.

That you credited the Raisin Bran Raisins as singing Heard it Through the Grapevine, even tho it was the California Raisins who sang it. Lollerz!

That you made K8ie cry.

Bravo, Kimmy, Bravo.

Anyhow, this was one of my favorite songs when I was 8:

I'm so bugged that Lee changed the words! I'm almost tempted to put him in the bottom as punishment, but I don't wanna lose.

Here's my bottom three:
Going home:

PS. Have you heard of this before? Watch it. It'll blow your mind! It's genius.

Kimi Positive said...

Wow. I hope he does something like that again! You should be put in timeout for making me watch that again tho btw. You tricker. Darn it all to heck I KNEW something seemed "off" when I said it was the Raisin Bran Raisins!!!! Fourth grade? Really? No wonder I feel like kids really "get me". AV, I was not really at her house. See Jenny? What fourth grader could have created that magical illusion so awesomely as to trick AV? Your flesh (ick btw) thing is broked.

We coo Raphael. The theme was ANYTHING that ever made the top Billboard 100. EVER. I'd be just as let down btw if I thought Ryan was gonerz and then it was just me blogging for Landee cuz she doesn't love us as much as she loves IRL people.

eekareek said...

Kimmy, you are so much cooler than Landee (she won't see this, right?)

I think Paige, Tim, And Alzie are in the bottom three with Paige going home. Ba-bye Paige.

Okay, some things that need to be mentioned. Did anyone else notice that after Aaron sang, Ryan asked Miley to come give Aaron a hug and Miley shook her head no??!!!?!?!?! Miley also made a comment about if the judges (a.k.a. Randy) don't know what to say, then just say it was pitchy. Ha ha. Miley is kinda funny.

StandsMom said...

SO suprized and pleased that Sis filled in, all married and stuff now. Landeelou loves you tons, Kim:) I knew you couldn't be at Landee's house cuz you woulda said something about the nasty blizzard snow bomb outside. Enough to justify staying home, but not enough to entirely ban car travel. Darn it. My hubby was asking me last night if we really HAD to watch AI, and I told him that I'm really not that excited about it this year. The ONLY thing that's keeping me on is this darned blog/contest. Oh, and cause I love Crystal and I think she's gonna win. She looked amazing last night. What's up the judges cans that they couldn't say something to her about it?

I laughed and laughed last night when Ryan called what'shisname David Archie. Landee is so prophetic. I also laughed when I watched Miley look Casey's bod up and down while he was talking to her. Can you blame her? Mostly tho, I think Miley was kinda bored and felt kinda like she didn't really know why they asked her to mentor. I don't really care cause she's so young and I'm not ashamed to say that I've listened to Party in the USA a gazillion times and it makes me put my hands up every time. Except that part. Scratch that. Reverse it.

My bottom three picks are:

Paige. Oh please. Can she just go home already? I think she is the worst contestant to ever make it this far. Worst.

Andy. He creeps me. Every time I see him he reminds me of my sister's exboyF named Fernando. I'm not kidding. And it was always smart to make sure you weren't standing behind Fernando whenever he bent over or sat down. Plumb. Err. Gross.

Alz. Her hair is looking a little bit better. Just a little. But I've decided that if they reshaped her baby eyebrows she'd look a little more growed up.

Paige is my vote for going home.

On a side note....I liked Shebang, but if she screams one.more.time I'm outta there. Dang it girl. It's ANNOYING! Tim should be in the bottom three but I'm betting he won't cause girls like that freekin' hair for some reason.

Hot Pants said...

My favorite part was you reminding Landee about how she screwed us out of our two points. And Jenny, I sang the Wheel of Fortune version out loud while Andy sang, it made his song sound better.
Bottom 2- Andy, and Paige. And Paige is gone with the gonorrhea tonight. I'm still debating about the third bottom.

Landee said...

::walkin around, checkin' out the place:: ::hitching up pants::

So THIS is what it's like to just waltz in and voice my opinion without having to take notes/do the research/be entertaining.

I like it.

My sincere gratitude to KimiP, btw, for filling in & not swearing/doing any sexual innuendos. I'm sure you gize enjoyed the break from my post-college grad level writing as well. 4th grade level writing is like a vacation and and of itself.

This week is easy as two slices of chocolate pie.

Bottom three:


I still don't think Andy's fans have given up on him. Do you know how many latinos are in this country? And you don't have to be a US Citizen to vote for AI.

Paige is gonzo.

I have spoken.

Kimi Positive said...

wait....Andy sang the wheel of fortune song? I thought Lee did. They may as well have had the theme be TV songs fhs. Landee, see? You just waltz in and spin off of what someone had to take like over 15 minutes to think up. And you can ramble on and on in the comments and stuff so it's just like blogging sans the pressure and the pesky "new post plz" comments and the implied "I commented on your post now you have to come comment on mine" crapola. I will be glad to be back on vakay believachoo me but I'm enjoying it while it lasts. Like a substitute teacher...of 4th graders.

Kimi Positive said...

HotTrousers, thank you for noticing MY favorite part too. The part where I made sure she didn't forget that she's a cheater and how we were wronged.

Hot Pants said...

Ok, after careful consideration, and some reconsideration my vote is as follows:
Bottom 3= Lee, Paige and Tim
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say Tim is the one gone with the gonorrhea.

Kimi Positive said...

LEE?????? LEEEEEE??????? And TIM going home? K. I put you down in the squirrel bag column.

eekareek said...

It would be so entertaining to be a fly on the wall at Kimmy's house. Just trying to translate alone would be a good time. Does RT use the same "Billy Madison" language? Can I come to your house and just sit quietly in the background next Tuesday night? You, me and Amy really should be getting together to watch AI.

Jana said...

Oh my gosh, I'm so stressed, I just got home and realized I forgot to put in my AI picks!! Eeeek!! I swear on my DVR that I have not watched any part of the show yet. I swear.
Ok, I say ColorPaige is going home
Other bottom 3: Lee Dewyze and Katie Stevens

Kimi Positive said...

Yes he does Sara. Ever since the heated disagreement that never went past the "kinda cute he disagrees with me" level about whether you say "by the way" when you are actually talking to someone or you say "bee tee double you". He's just decided "when in Rome" because he gets more lovin that way. How fun would Tuesday nights Idol girls nights be??? The prob is that RT teaches until 8pm so I always have to wait to watch it with him after that. His two jobs really get on my nerves sometimes that way.