First of all I don’t wanna be here MUCH more than you want me here…so get that “you’re not our favorite babysitter” look off your face right now. She “never asks me for anything” so how could I turn her down when she texted me/called me/left RodTodd a frantic message/(I’d say sent a carrier pigeon but she didn’t and lies…well..they’re wrong) asking me to step in and be her guest blogger for the week. She says she wants to pay attention to her in-laws since she will be a guest at their house. I think you and I both know she really just would like to watch AI without having to pay attention to every earring/hairdo/whether or not Andy will ever do anything remotely like Str8 Up/pitchy/not feelin it dawg thing that happens this week without having to jot down what witty spin she will put on it. She was all “just do like you do in the comments, easy peezy”.. but um.. what I do in the comments is make fun of/disagree with/purposely not talk about all the stuff she talked about in her post… so.. not as easy peezy. But whatevs. Let’s do this.
::: adjusts her chair to my liking, looks for gum in the top drawers, puts pic of her and Gty on the desk face down and sets up pic in a heart shape frame of me and RodTodd :::
--------insert pictures here of my kids doing cute stuff even tho they are 13, 16 and 22------------
I’m just gonna tell you what I wrote in my spiral notebook. Because in no fair way to me Landee didn’t ask me to do this until I was already almost done watching it. And because I get a super way needy bordering on demanding vibe from most of you peeps I didn’t want you to go cryin to her if I didn’t give you something to read about AI when you first wake up. So.. Let’s do this for realz now.
· Is Simon wearing a Shade shirt?
· I’m starting to dislike Ryan. He’s always kinda bugged but now I actively hope he gets fired and that I am using the Secret correctly by thinking “I want Ryan to be eligible for unemployment”.
Lee Dewyze aka Flem in Landeenese
“The Letter” by I dunno (again she hadn’t given me this assignment yet and I didn’t care who cuz I don’t like it because it reminds me of that Grapevine song from the raisin bran commercials)
:: making jazz hands for no reason ::All I wrote about it is “Much better than the original” so…. Oh and “lollerz @ his Tiffany heart necklace and broach” So from that I think even if you didn’t watch the show you will know that he is safe.
Paige aka ColorBook
“Against All Odds” by Phil Collins (I didn’t look it up or anything I just knew. And I never got to see the movie because there was probably implied Mommy and Daddy time)
Here I drew pictures of her bling with the words “PRITTY” and “OUCH my EAR HOLES” and made a note to ask Monika @ group if it’s possible for black girls to have blue/gold/light colored eyes. Monika is good at knowing facts like this. And she always tells me I’m right. Especially the time when I said I was upset Landee cancelled my points. She said “let Landeelu worry about her side of the street..you just keep your side clean”. Anyways. We all know she sucked. She whisper sung most of it and then when she got louder it was okay but she’d already upset me to where I had drawn a big thumbs down. This is why I’m sad that Landee didn’t blog because I also wrote “Landee is gonna have a hizzy fit about those bloomer shorts” (the ones she wore to sing for Miley in rehearsal or whatevs you call that with the mentor) and now I’ll never know if I was right.
Tim Urban aka Lucky Duck
“Crazy Little Thing Called Love” –Queen/Freddy Mercury……. and RodTodd was arguing with me saying that the Stray Cats did it/wrote it so I wasn’t paying attention and had to rewind the WHOLE song
I liked his acapella version mucho betterer when he sang it for Miley. He looks super cheesy/goofy/lamerz going around to the “ladies” along the stage. But um Kara…did she really bash him for acting like a star? They want them to “believe they can win this” and “believe they are stars” …. I know I should be used to her saying dum stuff by now. But it still makes me involuntarily do the Oh Snap! Face sometimes. I realize this wasn’t his best performance. Really I do. But I heart his voice and it’s one of those things where I’m all like “Are you guys not listening to the same voice I am?” things when you/you/you and /them say he sucks. ::: still voting for him hours after the show aired ::: Kinda like when no one says your kid is cute but you are pretty sure they are cute.
Oh yeah. I guess I was supposed to say Miley Cyrus was the mentor of the week. And say something about her. Preferably rood. So… Miley has clumps in her mascara. And Party in the USA is one of my secret shame songs. Right up there with some Janice Kapp Perry songs. Oh and all that money and a Superstar at the age of …?…and she couldn’t get braces? Holy thumbsuckers for realz. K that should be good enough.
Aaron Kelly – Archie 2.0 (Now that Rye called him David Archuletta is it even still funny?)
“Don’t wanna miss a thing” –Aerosmith I think. Pretty sure. They are right up there with the Rolling Stones in my book. Under “icky stuff me no likes to look at”
Super cute how he acted like he had a crush on Miley like he likes girls. He even made a cute shy/pout look thing when he said it. I couldn’t get past that he had laryngitis AND tonsillitis….turns out I am the sympathy vote target market! I think for the first time he is safely NOT in the bottom three. I really want him to bring back the bleached hair did tips from Hollywood week tho. Gave him that Rascal Flatts vibe nstuff. :::: sticks gum under desk :::: :::opens a diet Dr. P and doesn’t use a coaster ::: Have you guys seen her garage lately? It’s way easier to get to the fridge now. BINS!
Crystal Bowersox –Dreads
“Bobby Magee…McGee…Mckee?” –probably Janis Joplin
Okay how hard were you lauging when Miley signed her guitar like it was a yearbook? The best was when she ended it with “stay cute and cool and have a great summer”. But anyway, whoever did her makeover/image overhaul …. Tiger and John Mayer need to call. They are GENIUSes! I totally forgot I hated her and that she was unfortunate looking! She is all the sudden super nice and humble and pretty(ish)! Loved that version of the song. She. Was. Amazing. Put Landee down for saying Crystal is going home BTW. That’s what she texted me. Yup.
“When a Man Loves a Woman” –who cares
::: fake shocked face ::: OH EM GEE he sunged a song that would be construed as him being a good/doting husband! I’m so super sprized! I want him to sing something super disrespeckful to wimmin next week. Just to show me he’s not gonna pigeon hole himself to death. It’s like he’s going thru Uncle Markies mix tapes fhs. But yeah, he’s prolly safe. Oh put Landee down for him being in the bottom three btw.
Andy Garcia –Latino Gokey? I forget what she calls him but he’s going home so it doesn’t matter
“Heard it through the Grapevine” –The Raisin Bran Raisins
Was that the reverse Roger Rabbit he pulled out? Thanks for suggesting he ditch the guitar MILEY!!!!!!! I really hope he goes home. I am SO sick of hearing about Str8 UP. I couldn’t agree more with Simon… Str8 up was a fluke. Get over it. Stop voting for him fhs!!!!! It’s like an abusive relationship at this point. We can’t just keep him because he did one good thing a long time ago. Let’s start the healing.
Katie Stevens – Alzies
“Big Girls Don’t Cry” –Fergie
I can’t believe she mentioned my emails and my message board posts to MILEY! And to call it “negative”? That’s a little harsh. I prefer “being helpy”. By her song choice she’s obviously dwelling. But yeah..welcome to the 2000’s Alzies. Srsly I bet she picked that song by accident thinking it was the old version by the Shirelles or the Donnas or the whatevs cutesy 50’s girl band even tho it was actually boys. Sorry but Alzies just reminds me of the naïve girl you have to explain everything to and it sucks the fun out of it because nothing sounds as fun/funny/awesome if you have to explain it. She didn’t blow it or fall down so I’m guessing she’s safe because lots of others were ungood. She was just her boring ole self.
Casey James - ?
“Power of Love” –Huey Lewis & the News
Great. Now he’s gonna make eye contact like a deranged poodle. Just like he won’t stop smiling now because they said he lacked charisma. He even moved away from the mic at the end there to really “use the stage”. He takes advice very seriously. ::: writing on his message board that he needs to use the clothes less ::: He reminds me of Val Kilmer. He sounded nice too. But srsly..who cares?
Didi Benami – Double D
“You’re no Good” –no care
Okay so none of the judges liked it. I did but she’s like Tim to me. Unless she really does something drastic I will always heart her. I think I have imprinted on her or something. I’m not even sure what that means. I haven’t read my decoration books yet. She’s hecka pretty and her voice sounds so perfect to me it’s like she’s lip syncing. Like her face is making all these trying real hard looks but her voice sounds like butter. She’s just so darn likable. P.s. Randy said it was pitchy and I only wrote it down to remind me I think Randy is pitchy-deaf in case I forgot
Oh my freak what was she wearing to the rehearsal thingy with Miley???? Acid washed jeans with zippers AND pleats????? And the new blonde and pink highlights are…. …since she wore the vest during the performance… I’m so confused. Is she edgy and creative or just str8 up squirrel bag crazy? :::: watching them pan to her friends:::: Uh boy. The girl can sing tho. I like the lil corker.
So my predictions in case you can’t understand perfectly good writing words are that Andy, Paige and Tim are in the bottom three with Andy being the one to go bye bye. I am mad too cuz that means Alzies will get to go on tour.
Do your normal stuff now and tell her your completely unfounded with non-facts and lacking logic type picks. She wants you to pick the bottom three and who goes home out of those I guess. Unless she has changed the roolz AGAIN.
Imma go eat all her snacks and call my boyfriend.
>--------insert more pics of my kids being super cute ------------<